I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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