come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm just crazy horny about you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
