Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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