someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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