What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize