She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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