Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
