Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
