nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
