This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize