i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
