happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
