just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
