even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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