Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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