I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize