my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
