did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
