Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
