Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
