He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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