Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He shit in the fireplace
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
