if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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