i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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