i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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