you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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