oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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