if only i could text you this smell
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
