I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
