I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
