i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
