I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize