Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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