id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
