I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
