Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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