Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
