If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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