I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
