If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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