he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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