conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
