you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
