Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
