Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize