Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to calm my uterus...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
