i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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