Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize