The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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