So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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