seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize