I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
