Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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