I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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