just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
