Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
