She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
