in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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