I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize