i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize