I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize