I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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